Gesphania

I was scrolling through my timeline when one of my friends shared a photo of one of the coolest sweatshirts I've ever seen. A young woman wearing a white sweatshirt with a huge sparkly gold seal in the center. It immediately pulled me in and I had to know where she got it from. It took me about 5 seconds to discover Grandslammer$, a black owned business located in our northern neighbor, Canada.

After looking at their numerous apparel selections, I decided to get the very sweatshirt that initially caught my attention. Pricing was decent (Remember the US Dollar is currently higher which will translate at checkout), plus I'm always searching for coupon codes and I managed to snag one upon check out.

Once I received it I fell in LOVE. Even more eye catching in person, I wore it out the next day I received it. Material is quality and super comfy. The attractive glitter logo makes it more versatile to wear with sneakers or heels. I can't begin to count the amount of people that asked me where I got this awesome find! I had to learn more about the man behind the sparkle so I reached out and what I found out made me appreciate it even more. Check out his personal interview with me below and EXCLUSIVE TO MY READERS! ENJOY 15% OFF YOUR VERY OWN GRANDSLAMMER$ GEAR! DIRECTIONS TO GET THE CODE AT THE END OF THIS INTERVIEW!

Name: Chris Blackwood
Age: 34
Brand Name: Grandslammer$




When did you start creating your apparel line? 

We started the clothing line 3 years ago. My younger brother Jason Blackwood, Co Founder of Grandslammer$, and I began this journey in the community of Jane and Finch which is located in Toronto, Canada. 

Where does your artistic influence come from?

The artistic influence for our Grandslammer$ logo and our various editions come from My younger brother Jason. This Granslammer$ journey was all started from my younger brother's vision. 

What is the concept behind your brand?  Grandslammer$ is a Canadian urban clothing line that symbolizes hard work, determination, achieving your goals, Grinding for yours, and never giving up. Grandslammer$ is a lifestyle. Individuals, around the world, that are working hard to achieve their personal goals everyday is a Grandslammer$. Our logo is a clock, with the word GRIND in it, meaning that every second, minute, and hour you have to GRIND in order to achieve your personal goals.

What do you hope to accomplish with your brand?

What we hope to accomplish with Grandslammer$ is to be recognized as a credible Canadian clothing line, just like ROOTS. We also hope to have expand from our online store to an actual store front. We want to inspire other young people and young entrepreneurs coming from "at risk" communities, that we grew up in, to follow their dreams and GRIND for it. 

What inspired your logo? And the glitter effect? 

What inspired our logo was my younger brother's vision of "GRINDING for yours "as soon as you wake up. As you can see, our logo has a clock and it says GRIND. That's why our motto is "Support the BRAND that supports your GRIND ". Our "Glitter Effect" symbolizes the hard work that an individual is putting into achieving his or her personal goals. You have to GRIND to SHINE. The glitter adds a special feeling to our pieces when it's being worn. If you don't wear jewelry, our shirts our the perfect accessory. The feedback for the glitter has been humbling because all of our customers love there way it looks and makes them feel.

How do you describe your fashions and style?

I describe my fashion style as a simple, clean, and loud at the same time. I can wear our Grandslammer$ Brand in any setting (at home, at work, at special events, and in the club). 

How did you develop your interest in an apparel line? 

Coming from our community, which is considered a "hood" you have to always be on point and look fresh. You always have to make sure that your shoes match your shirt, your pants complement your shirt and shoes, and your hat compliments everything else. We use to wear all the name brand clothing lines but then we realized that we could do the same thing. So my brother came up with the Grandslammer$ concept and that's all I've been wearing ever since. The feedback has been humbling on all levels.

What is your favorite item in your collection?

Picking a favorite item is like choosing who is my very child. I honestly love them all. Every last piece, in our collection, is a personal favorite of mine.

What do you hope for your business in the future?

We hope to be Nationally recognized as a credible urban clothing line. Also, have a few store fronts around Canada and North America

What is the biggest challenge being a black business owner?

Being taken seriously from clothing manufacturers and the general public is our biggest challenge by I strongly believe that, due to our work ethic, we are slowly getting their attention.

What advice do you have other aspiring business owners?

Believe in your brand no matter what. Stay consistent with marketing your brand. Utilize social media to market your brand. Last but not least, create a team of individuals that believe in your brand as much as you do.

ENJOY 15% OFF YOUR GRANDSLAMMER$ APPAREL! CLICK HERE TO GRAB THE CODE!

#SUPPORTBLACKOWNED
#BLACKOWNEDBUSINESS
#REVIVEBLACKWALLSTREET

It's been about 3 months since my self titled fashion website was launched (insert happy dance here). I have been a busy bee since then connecting with vendors, scheduling photo shoots and just learning along the way. With the fall/winter season here I have just added some new items!

During this season I like to dress a little darker. Solid dark blazers are my go-to add on. I've added both Navy and Wine blazers to the collection. You can rock them with jeans and a simple tee, add flair to your business attire over a black blouse and slacks, or throw it over a mini dress for a night on the town.



Following my collection, you will soon notice my love of jumpsuits. I choose a Jumpsuit when I don't feel like figuring out what top should go with what bottom. It's a complete outfit in itself and all I have to focus on is what shoes to wear with it. There will always be one or two jumpsuits in each season. My new jumpsuit love is the Bond Jumpsuit. What pulled me in was the one side lapel! Gives that "I'm holding a blazer over one shoulder look but I'm so not". Fits in all the right places! I don't see this jumpsuit staying available for long. I'm already selling out of some sizes.



I think my favorite add of this season's collection are the Ora Dresses. Comes in three colors: Wine, Nude, and Black. I love the fit and solid material. Two elements of this dress pulled me in. The first is the Front & Back Half-Wrap Overlay. In my transformation from being a skinny mini to "Slim Thick", I have acquired a new ASSet (pun intended), my booty. Some dresses make it look too accentuated so the Half Wrap tones it down but still gives that slight sexy appeal.



There will be more styles to come! With winter approaching we will be entering the season of SPARKLE so look forward to that soon!

As always thank you for taking the time to read and make sure to show me some LOVE in the comments section and on my LOVE WALL (<---click there) on my fashion site (I'm kind of bummed cause I moved the wall to a different section and didn't know that would delete ALL the previous comments... :( !... BUT nonetheless I appreciate all the encouragement I've been shown thus far! It means so much!

Dream Big
♥ Gesphania

Photo/Graphic Design Cred: QREV Production

"Love your wild hair look", "It's messy but it looks so cute on you", "You need to tame those tresses"... Reactions to my hair in it's natural state. The comments did not bother me much until the other day scrolling through my timeline I see a video titled, Beautiful Texture. The video is showing a tutorial of how to get the natural hair look for people with straight hair, specifically, white people.

I sat and watched as a white stylist dampen, spray, and wind the model's hair tightly around pins, added more spray, pressed each pin down with a flat iron, and set to dry. The end result was what was described as a "Zig Zag Twist". My side eye intensified as I thought to myself, that's a braid out. You know, when black women braid or twist their hair and pick it out. No chemical manipulations needed.

This lead to me thinking more about cultural appropriation. How many instances in my life I've witnessed or have been subject to white society creating a negative perception of black culture until they adopt it as their own and present is as something trendy. Something they supposedly thought up all on their own (see my It's Not A French Braid post). From our full lips, curvy figure, hairstyles, music and fashion, they all have been re-presented in some way to appease white society.

Some of you may say, "well black society appropriates white culture as well. Take relaxers and straight weaves for example". My answer to that is for generations, it has been beaten into black people (literally in some cases), that their natural beauty, their culture, their sense of identity is not accepted and in order to be viewed as somewhat acceptable, they must conform to the ways of their oppressors. This reality is so deeply rooted that it still affects us as a whole today.

Now we are in a time where slowly our eyes are being opened to the beauty of our culture. Black women are relaxing less and allowing their hair to grow in it's natural state. We are tapping into our roots and exploring head wraps. We are taking over social media with hashtags like #BlackGirlMagic #BlackGirlsRock #MyBlackIsBeautiful. We are researching our history and learning to love ourselves. It seems the more pride we attain and convey, the more our culture is appropriated.

To be clear, I have no issue with white society admiring and participating in black culture. Something so beautiful should be shared. My issue is when our culture is taken and disguised with a white stamp of approval. Just give us our recognition and call it what it is. No reinvention is needed.

Kind Regards

Photo Courtesy of the women of Rescued Church Boston

So it happened again. I woke up to a slew of social media posts regarding another unarmed black person killed by police. My heart began to race as I tried to remain as calm as possible while watching the video on the train to work. I kept repeating to myself "slow breaths Gess". I remembered my previous reaction to the murder of Philando Castile. How I burst into tears and sobbed in public like he was my own brother. How the white people on the train tried their best not to make eye contact and the black people gave me looks of comfort. I didn't want to lose control the way I did before. 

Now I sat watching this new video. This new video with the same old familiarity. A black man on the side of the road because his car broke down, was confronted and shot by police for looking like a "big bad dude" to them. His name was Terrence Crutcher. The next day another black man was shot in his car while waiting for his son. His name was Keith Lamont Scott. 

I have reached a point where I'm not surprised by these incidents and I expect more of them to occur. The outrage is felt for a few weeks through rally's, protests and news coverage and then it dies down until the next injustice. Picket signs and catchy chants are not making a difference. Yes it brings light to the issue and gets people talking, but not enough movement towards change. What can we do when protesting isn't enough?

I think back to when protesting made a difference. When protests resulted in actual change. What comes to mind the most was the Montgomery bus boycott. To fight the injustice of segregation within public transportation, 40,000 African American bus riders stopped using the service. Instead, they car pooled with one another or walked to get to their destination. This wasn't just a one day thing. This boycott lasted 381 days. Back then, African Americans made up 75% of Montgomery ridership. This boycott resulted in the U.S Supreme Court ruling that any law requiring racially segregated seating on buses violated the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

A change was made because white society was beginning to become affected economically. No black bus riders meant 75% of revenue was lost until justice prevailed. Imagine if we could do this in today's times? If as a collective every black person made a decision to boycott UNTIL change is made. And I'm not talking picket signs and marches. I'm talking like refusing to purchase anything from white owned companies until a law is put in place that bans shoot to kill so the suspect can have a chance to be tried fairly. If we don't take a united stand and stick to it until we see results, it's very unlikely that these murders will stop. We as a people have been mistreated since we were forced to come to this land. Isn't it time to truly unify?

You may ask, how is it possible to avoid buying from white owned companies? Where will I eat? Where will I purchase groceries? The problem is we rely on and invest so much into white owned companies that we forgot how to survive on our own. This is the time to research black owned business including black owned farms, markets, retail stores, restaurants, banks, etc. Reach out to the closest black owned businesses in your area and assemble to start a plan to support one another. Let's all get on the same page. If we can make a big enough impact economically, we can push for a change. 

Below are a few links that can get you started. Reach out to the black leaders in you neighborhood and begin a movement in your community:

Black Owned Banks List: http://watchtheyard.com/life/black-owned-banks/

Black Owned Restaurants: http://www.idontdoclubs.com/2016/07/08/black-owned-restaurants/

Black Owned Farms: http://preview.blavity.com/black-farmers-to-buy-from/

Black Owned Grocery Stores: https://blackmainstreet.net/black-farmers-and-grocery-stores-to-buy-from/

Black Owned General Directory: https://www.supportblackowned.com/

#BUYBLACKMOVEMENT
#SUPPORTBLACKBUSINESS

Photo cred: QREV Production

A couple weeks ago I met up with a few close friends for dinner. While enjoying our meal and catching up, one of my friends stated, "I could never go to work in a head wrap." Then my other friend nodded in agreement. I paused in reflection for a moment trying to understand why they feel they can't wear one to work and I can. I work in the corporate world just like they do so what is the difference between them and me? Then it clicked. They FEEL they can't. They THINK it will be viewed as unprofessional. I thought maybe if the significance of this fashion statement were explained, those who have reservations about wearing it in the professional sense would be more confident in doing so.

The head wrap has been apart of African culture for centuries. Over the years it has symbolized spirituality, modesty, prosperity, wealth and social status in African society. In the United States during the era of slavery, though slave masters imposed it on their female slaves as a badge of enslavement, slaves regarded head wraps as a symbol of their true homeland, Africa. A reminder that they do not belong in the land of their captors. It is also functioned as a uniform of rebellion signifying their fight to never forget where they have come from.

Being integrated in society, it is important that we never lose sight of our history. Over time through different psychological strategies, we are being conditioned to simply forget about the plight of our ancestors. They want us to blend in, accept the cards life has dealt us through their hand, and be a good non-threatening black person. Any inkling of black pride or culture association may make them uncomfortable. And because these truths are so deeply rooted, we sometimes say things like, "I could never go to work in a head wrap", though it is apart of our identity.

I take pride in wearing my head wrap and it is a look that is appropriate for any setting. Just because other cultures may not understand the look or the majority in the corporate world are not wearing them, does not mean we have to hide who we are to ease the comfort of our colleagues. Own who you are and where you came from. Acknowledge your history and it's beauty. If we do not make effort to keep some of our culture's traditions alive, our future generations will not have a clear understanding of their identity. So go ahead and wear that wrap!

Food for thought

Photo Cred: QREV Production

I did it. I launched ShopGesphania.com. A website I have been envisioning for quite some time but initially did not imagine it to be a reality. I wanted to build myself as a brand. Merging all of my passions into one. Writing, media and fashion. Sharing my style with the world and incorporating my personal experience with each item. The sole model of said website, me. No searching for that 5'7", 100 lbs beauty that most boutiques choose to promote their brand. Just the 5'0" 140 lbs queen that is myself.

My first photo shoot session was quite nerve wrecking. I was filled with emotion as I tried on each outfit analyzing my every inch. I am not model size... not in weight or in height, I thought. Would my face be good enough for my target audience?, I pondered. Do I even look good in these clothes? All my insecurities spilled out and with each snap I became more nervous. My photographer did not share the same sentiment. He showered my posture, look and overall appearance with compliments. At first, I thought, building my confidence with compliments was part of his job to bring the best out of me, but after I took a peak at myself on his camera, I began to see what he did. I began to see my not so average model size is the perfect fit.

I find this whole process interesting because up until 2 years ago, I was that 100 lbs slim beauty (minus the height). I used to complain about being too small for my age and I wanted to join "Team Thick" so badly. For years I compared my body to others and tried to attain what I thought was beautiful. Now that I've reached my goal weight, I have moments when I'm wondering if I'm too big. Definitely an eye opening realization that beauty truly begins with accepting yourself for who you are no matter the size and striving to become the best version of you. Certainly grateful for this self awareness.

With that, I am proud of the woman I am, and the woman I am growing into. I am very excited to share more of myself with you through my passions. Make sure to visit ShopGesphania.com and leave a comment on the Love Wall. I appreciate all the encouragement, love and support!

Photo Cred: QREV Production Earrings: Kadokele

"What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." A bible reference my mother has reminded me of many times growing up. And so far this saying has been proven true time and time again. From fashion trends to hairdo's, society finds new ways to reinvent what's already been done and call it something different to intrigue the masses.

Recently I've noticed, braids have become popular. Not by the Africans that have worn them forever, but more so by the Caucasian population, particularly, white women have fallen in love with the braid. What's interesting is it's celebrities of European decent that have brought attention to the not so new trend. I read a a statement from a white hairstylist stating "The French Braid is all the Rage". I thought to myself, "French braid? Why do they even call it that?" The title of the French, Dutch or any Euro heading for the three strand hairstyle is perplexing to me considering there is nothing European about it at all.

Braids emerged quite some time ago in the northern part of Africa. The earliest evidence of the style is found in the Tassili n'Ajjer mountain range in Algeria. There, rock art depicting women wearing rowed braids dates back almost 6000 years, For those of you who need a visual of exactly where that is:



The reality is braids were made popular by black people. I remember as a child being bombarded with questions from the inquisitive minds of my white classmates as to why my hair was quote, "twisted up like that all the time" because the intricate styling of braids were foreign to their lifestyle during that period. So even at that age, I recognized that braids were a thing of afro-culture. With that being pretty obvious, why is any style of braid given a title anything other than African? 

My take, many things of African culture have been stolen or downplayed to take the light off of the fact that we have contributed a majority of innovations to this world as far as we can document. Concepts, principles, inventions, religion, fashion, style etc have been brought to fruition and pioneered by Africans. Due to a world where we were once of as thought of less than human, any positive contribution that we made was hidden. To title something as French, Dutch, or Euro was easier to accept by white society. 

I know some of you may say the name is not a big deal but the smallest change in our history alters the perception for future generations. It is crucial for our black boys and girls to be fully educated on who they are and the importance of their people's existence and contribution in every aspect.  

Now I have no issue with white people wearing braids. Beautiful things are meant to share. Just make sure next time you hear someone say, "I love your French braid", smile and politely say "Thank you it's actually an African braid. French braids don't exist." A small mental seed can go a long way.

I met her through him... And she's pretty awesome Photo Cred: QREV Production

Is the ex meant to be an automatic enemy? It sure seems that way when a relationship ends with one person and then begins with another. I see it all the time. Boy meets girl, a relationship forms, girl starts to learn of boy's past girlfriends, girl then marks each one on her hit list.

I am not exempt from this either. I have given side-eyes several times to different women during the course of my life. Not because they have posed a threat, but solely on the reason that there once was a bond. A bond that I now share exclusively and just the thought that this bond existed before me would fuel my fire.

As I mature, I make it a point to challenge myself in the norm that I feel shouldn't be normal. What I go through in a relationship or what she went through shouldn't be the cause of complete strangers holding anger towards one another. With that, I try to have the innocent until proven guilty mentality. I word it this way because there are cases where the ex does want your man still and may prove that she has had a hidden agenda all along. But what about the woman that really & truly wants nothing to do with your man in the romantic sense? Or the woman that has a child with your man but solely is interested in a platonic co-parenting relationship? Is it a possibility to be cordial with one another? Dare I say, friends even?

From personal experience I do think it's quite possible. I've formed friendships with a couple women that once held a title with someone I was dating.  At first, it was slightly uncomfortable I must admit during the initial interaction, but I kept in mind that before anything, we are all human beings and we all have feelings. We shouldn't hold contempt for someone for an experience they endured. An experience that is part of their past, not present.

I've also been on the other end as the ex and became friends with the new girlfriend. Both experiences were pretty positive and I am friends with these ladies till this day long after our mutual beau faded into history.

Now I'm not telling you ladies to run off into the sunset with all his exes, but when you see her, be cordial, be respectful. And if she has ulterior motives and is able to take your man, he wasn't yours to begin with.

Photo Cred: QREV Production

During the busy work week in the midst of deadlines, scheduling, errands, planning and just organizing daily life, there is one day, mid-week that I look forward to. That day is Thursday. Why? No I'm not waiting to drink in celebration of "Thirsty Thursdays", I'm not waiting for the clock to strike midnight so I can be the first to post an old photo for "Throwback Thursday", I am not even apart of the people excited for their favorite Thursday night show to come on (sorry Scandal). Why does Thursday excite me? It is the day my workout begins.

Thursday and Friday and I set aside a few hours to hit the gym. Now I did not always have this discipline. Being relatively small all my life (and when I say relatively I really mean I was scarily skinny), exercise was the last thing on my mind. Just walking up one staircase I worried I would be 5 pounds lighter by the time I reached the top. I avoided losing weight so physical health was not a top priority. Until my body started to catch up with my age. In less than 2 years I put on 35 pounds. I love and embrace the new figure but to make sure it doesn't get out of control, I opened a gym membership.

Now at first my only excitement to joining a gym was the idea of wearing cute workout gear. I looked the part but did not look forward to the process. Contrary to all of those Gatorade commercials where the athlete makes it look so easy and inspiring, exercise hurts and it's hard. At least that was my initial experience. I complained, I made faces of frustration, I stopped every two seconds, I ran to the water cooler every chance I got. Don't laugh at this rookie!

But over time my body began to like the pressure. Now I'm not saying it became painless but I enjoy the challenge of surpassing previous limitations. It became more than just shaping by body. Exercise is a release. In my mind, the machines and the equipment represent the obstacles and the barriers that may present themselves in life. And pushing myself past what I think is my limit represents me knocking down those walls.

My favorite machine is the treadmill. On that machine I'm a track star (in my head). Can't no one tell me nothing! Every time I feel my legs burning, instead of stopping, I visualize my life journey. All the hurdles set forth in attempt to deter me from reaching the finish line. With that thought I push harder. I clench my jaw, I squint my eyes and I BEAST that treadmill! When my timer goes off and the race for that moment is over, I walk away feeling triumphant and encouraged to tackle life in the same manner.

Exercise may help you attain and maintain physical attractiveness, but it also does a work in you on the inside. You not only look good but you feel good physically, mentally and even spiritually. We work so hard on reaching our financial, educational and personal goals, but do we take the time to nurture our bodies, our temple? And it takes more work than adorning that figure with the latest attire, rocking the newest shoes and getting glam with our newest matte lippie. We must make it priority to work the inside out as well.

As hard as it may feel, the great thing about it is we will not only be metaphorically kicking life challenges' butt, we will also be keeping our health in check, adding a boost to our spirit and looking great while doing so! What is there not to love about that!

With all this being said, for those pushing past the limit either at the gym, consistently taking runs in your city or putting in work at home, I salute you and your drive. Keep going! For those who want to start exercising, make plans to start today! You can do it! And yes it will hurt, yes you will feel pain and scream at times (I by the way scream every time), But it will be worth it. I am cheering you on!

3 more days until Thursday! I am ready.

I never thought I'd seriously be part of another congregation again. And this is coming from someone who has been part of the church and Christian faith since birth. I loved going. Being apart of a spiritual family, a community. But after a few horrible experiences from not only church members but church leaders, I shut down and backed away slowly.

Now my plan was never to walk away from God, but I was unknowingly doing so by partially feeding my spirit. I say partially because yes I read The Word on my own, downloaded daily devotional apps (My favorite is Saved In The City), registered with an online faith based study course that had an assessment at the end of every lesson, attended bible study here and there at my family's church... Your girl thought she was all set! But I was still sinking. I felt as if I was drained.

My main issue was trusting people again. I thought, how can I sing, share, participate in ministries with people that may potentially hurt me in the end? I used to be so active in the church. Choir was my favorite. I could sing to the Lord all day long. Dancing was my 2nd spiritual outlet. I wouldn't let anything deter me from going to service. Come rain or shine, whether I had a car, had to take the bus, or walk sometimes, I was there. How did I fall so far? How did I allow the mistakes of man, the mistakes that I made myself, hold me back from being apart of the body of Christ? That is what a church is, and we are all pieces of that body. And each piece is essential to the body functioning properly.

In reflection, I've come to learn, the church is not full of perfect people. It is full of imperfect people seeking guidance from a perfect God. This means, even though most times we mean well, we can and will make mistakes. We may do horrible things to one another. And none of us is exempt from falling. But there is strength in numbers and as a member of a church you have people that can hold you accountable and that you are held accountable to. You have people that can stand with you, and remind you of God's promise when you are discouraged. You have people that can pray for you through the tough times. This is what I was missing in walking away from The Body.

I was hurt by someone in my former church (as some of you may know), and didn't go back for months. Then I moved away. Out of the state. I haven't been a devoted member of a church since I moved over two years ago, but I am taking that first step and beginning my journey to find a church home that can refill my spirit. 

If you are going through a similar situation, if you left your church because of hurt that someone else caused you, or you are embarrassed by a mistake that you have made, as long as the church doctrine is scripture based, I implore you to go back. As hard as it may be, as embarrassed as you may feel at the moment, as angry as you may be, go back. And if The Truth is not being taught where you were, as in, if the teachings are not bible based, start looking for and seeking God's direction to lead you where you need to be.

For those of you that have never been to a church, used to go to church as a kid but just stopped as you got older, or identify yourself as having no faith, what I am saying may be foreign to you. You may believe there is no God but yet from time to time you find yourself feeling lost or empty or feeling like something is missing. You've been depressed or sad before and are not quite sure why. You do right by others, are nice, and your definition of bonding is hanging with friends and getting "nice" together at the bar. Or maybe you feel like there is some higher power out there and are spiritual, but don't identify with a particular faith. If you fall into any of these categories, I challenge you to go to church just to see what it's like. It may just change your life.

I look forward to where God will lead me. I put it all in His hands and am excited to experience what will manifest from my faith during this continued journey of life. And I press forward.

A few of my friends (Some are missing up there but eh couldn't fit everybody LOL). Y'all ROCK! xoxo

I value friendship. Not just any friendship. Genuine friendship. I am like a broken record when it comes to this core value. If you follow me on Facebook, it's my disclaimer whenever I am posting a photo with someone I call friend. As I am growing, I am starting to realize and recognize during my life journey, not everyone who I meet on my path are here for the long haul. The dynamic has definitely changed over the years especially during the transition from my 20s to 30s.

In my 20s my circle was slightly larger. I was open to meeting new faces and giving "new" friends a try. We had to have something in common. Whether it's work, school or similar social circles. I found myself sharing my time, my personal life and even a few of my tears with people who seemed to be potential lifelong friends. It was not until my surroundings changed that I started to see less and less of those now not so new faces.

Many of these friends I met through former relationships. When in a relationship, of course, everyone wants to get to know the new special someone. With introduction, opened a whirlwind of get-together's, dinners, road trips, heart-to-hearts, reassuring dialogue, comforting hugs, text messages, phone calls, check-ins, photo ops, social media tags, wall posts, favors, laughs, cliques, tea and all sorts of bonding with my new group of friends. It was great! For years mind you. And then when the relationship ends and I make my exit, I was left with concerning texts and calls from a few (most likely just wanting all the juicy details of what happened), a few hellos here and there, and then a complete halt.

Some became enemies (not by my choice), others turned into strangers and acquaintances. Only a limited few remained genuine and kept building a friendship with me. I found it fascinating actually. It made me reevaluate the term friend. My thought and description of a friend evolved. It also helped me take a look at myself and put myself in check to assure I do not become a "friend of circumstance" to those I've formed bonds with. So with this experience (which I am grateful for), I am able to share with you what you should look for in a friendship.

A friend is unconditionally there for you without biases or hidden agendas. 

Someone you can rely on. They do not have to speak to you everyday or frequent for that matter, but if you do need them for anything, if it is within their means, they will be there. And even if they cannot be there for you in that moment, they offer whatever resource they can to assist you even if it's just lending their ear.

A friend is with you through all the motions.

Filled with joy for your moments of triumph, will mourn with you in moments of defeat, and will stand with you and be that rock while you pick up the pieces.

A friend not only cares about you.

They care about your surroundings and who you allow into your life.

A friend has your best interest at heart.

They will be honest with you even if the truth is not what you want to hear in that moment.

A friend will pour into your spirit.

They will pray for you and encourage you during your walk with God.

And you will be all that to your friend as well.

As you grow and mature, it is less about who is going with you to get your nails done, go out for drinks with, who is down to be your backup in a confrontation or who is there to listen to all your tea. It is more so about who will remain when the seasons of your life change.

I am so grateful to have a handful of people that I can call genuine. For those who faded from my journey, I hold no anger or malice towards them. I am also grateful to have had that learning experience. They have surely helped me in my growth as well and my smile is still genuine in passing if I happen to see them.

What is your definitions of a friend? How is your friendship dynamic changed over the years? And what have you learned from it?

So it's official, Janet Jackson is pregnant with her first child. Two weeks ago the superstar songstress announced to her fans that she had to cut her world tour short because she was planning a family with her husband. I immediately assumed adoption or surrogacy but low and behold just a few weeks shy of her 50th birthday, Ms. Jackson is pregnant.

This news has automatically sparked  discussion regarding how risky is it for a woman reaching the golden season life to have a child. Due to the singer's age, doctors say there are major risks and complications that could pose themselves during the pregnancy especially during the first trimester. Interestingly enough, doctors say at her age she had a 1% chance of conceiving.

Though the odds are thought to be against them, in today's times, women are starting families much later in age as compared to even a decade ago. According to the CDC, the number of women who are getting pregnant over the age of 50 has increased 165% in the last 15 years. Doctors say as more fertility treatments become available and technology improves, women have more of a choice to delay bringing life into this world.

Usually after 30, women who haven't had a child start to become worrisome that their time will soon run out which leaves them in a hurry to find "Mr. Right" to get busy right away. These new findings bring slight pressure off the woman worried about her biological clock. She can put focus back on herself and reaching her life goals instead of putting babies in the forefront.

Being in that age bracket myself, I surely can relate and breathe a little easier for this time extension. I personally have so much that I want to do and accomplish that a "mini me" is the last thing on my list currently. 35-40 is more realistic and desired at this point.

So kudos to Ms. Jackson and all the other women over 40 pushing the clock out of their way. Not saying having these blessings earlier in life is unwelcome either. Whether you are in your 20s or ready to celebrate your 50th, it's more so about when you are ready instead of being pressured by that nagging clock.

How do you feel about women starting families later in life?

Photo Credit: QREV Production

Have you ever prayed for something in your life and in that same season your friend receives exactly what you have been longing for? It's happened to me. In one situation, I remember, I felt a sense of overwhelming joy, sadness anger, and excitement all at once. I was joyous for my friend, but was screaming "What about me!" on the inside. If this has happened to you, do not get down on yourself as it is human nature to sometimes get this way BUT as critical thinkers, when faced with negative emotion, we must question why we feel the way we do and counter how to evolve from it.

Recently I received great news from a friend and I screamed in joy when she called me to share. All smiles, grinning from ear to ear, I sung praises of encouragement and pressed on making plans to celebrate. As soon as the call ended, I sat in my car for a few moments as it sunk in that she received something I was praying for. In silence, I walked into the house, went straight to the bathroom, and shrieked with tears of anger. I calmed down, washed my face and sulked for the remainder of the day.

"Why not me" was the song I sang. "I've wanted this longer", I complained. And after these words were repeated in my mind for the millionth time, I stopped to question, why do I even feel this way? Should I feel a sense of guilt for raining on my friend's parade? Or should my friend have been a little more compassionate when sharing the news with me as she knew I wanted the same for myself?

I believe there is a balance between the two. As friends, we should celebrate and share our successes with each other. At the same time, we should be considerate in the manner in which we share our good news especially to our friends that may want the same for themselves. Now some of you may say, "Why should I tone down my happiness for the sake of my friend's feelings? I worked hard to get here. She should just be happy for me and keep grinding to get to where she needs to be". But take into consideration that your friend may have been working just as hard and may not have the same opportunities, connections or platform that you do. Not everyone with the same dream is afforded the same opportunities. Be tactful in how you share the advances in your life and also offer to be of assistance to your friend to help her get to where she needs to be since you have completed the path to get there.

Now for the friend who has received the other end of the stick, do not downplay the success of your friend because she has reached a height that you are still climbing towards. Be genuinely happy for her and offer encouragement. At the same instance, make time to sit down with your friend and be honest about how you feel. The worst thing you can do is smile in someone's face and complain behind their back. Because if word comes back to your friend that you've been upset because of her success, you will be perceived as not genuine and "fake".

How do you think friends should handle each other's success that they may want for themselves? Can you relate? What are techniques you have used in handling this type of situation. I want to hear from you.

We are almost halfway into the year. "Time flies" is more than just a saying. It seems as if this life moves rather swiftly. We are born, and in the blink of an eye, we can be off onto the next journey beyond this current reality. As humans, our time on this earth has been short relative to how long this planet is estimated to have existed.

As we come and go, one thing we haven't quite gotten the hang of is loss. Particularly loss of life. It has been occurring since the beginning of time but yet it hits hard every instance we lose someone. Death is an end that is coming for everyone but yet is something that we are never prepared to accept.

I am not here to show you how to accept death because that is something I have far from mastered, but I can share how I move forward when I endure a loss.

No matter how many times it happens, sheer concentrated emotion envelopes our being each time someone who was once in our world leaves us (Now when I say "world" I don't mean in the literal sense. Everyone has their own world that they are living in. But I will elaborate more on that in a future post). We are in disbelief, shock, we say words like, "gone too soon", "I can't believe it", "this hurts so much". We cry for days, weeks, months even. That person not being there makes us feel as if they took a piece of us with them. To be blunt, it sucks. How do we keep going when that person does not have that opportunity? Over time, after the tears and pain, I have found a few techniques to move forward from loss.

Talk About It

I think the biggest mistake I make when I am upset or hurting is keeping those emotions bottled inside. Find someone to confide in. Talking about your pain and how you feel kick starts the process towards healing.

Prayer

When I find no one else understands, I know God who created everything will most definitely understand my hurt. Though I can't hear a voice speaking back to me, I feel a sense of peace after I pour my soul and place it at the feet of God. I metaphorically drop it all there and walk way with the faith that life will get better. Faith plays a big role towards positive outcome.

Write 

Writing is my number 1 outlet (hence this blog). I have been writing in a journal since the age of 9. There are so many benefits to journal writing. You are able to release everything onto those pages. Things that may be hard to say aloud. Journal writing can also bring clarity. After you write everything out, after a few days go back and reread what you wrote and compare how you felt then to how you feel now. You may be able to answer possible questions you posed or understand yourself better in doing so.

Celebrate Their Life

Celebrate the life of your loved one through your life. Talk about everything you loved about that person, reflect on what he or she instilled in you, start a project or foundation in that person's name. These are a few ideas that will keep their memory alive long after they're gone.

Continue LIVING

As hard as it can be, no matter how you are feeling at the time, life will still continue regardless and the world will keep spinning. Cherish your journey on this earth and make the very best out of it. Do what makes you happy as long as you are not hurting others, your body, or your spirit in the process. I say that because temporary "feel goods" like drugs, alcohol to the point of drunkenness, etc, are never a way to cope or help you move forward in a positive way. Reach for success, form healthy friendships, bond with your family, cultivate your dreams, help others, make your mark on the planet. Let your time here be a beautifully productive one.


I hope these techniques are helpful. Know that in your pain there will be healing to follow so instead of allowing yourself to drown in your sorrow, push yourself to take the steps to move forward.

If no one has said it to you today, I love you as a human being, you will be okay, your life will blossom beautifully, yes from time to time you will endure pain, but if you are willing to press on, you will overcome it as well.

Scrolling through my timeline I come across many things. Most entertaining, some insightful and informative, some funny, others just straight foolish. It's rare that I am unable to put my finger on how a post makes me feel. In fact I don't think it's ever happened, until now.

There was a recent video post by CNN that I stared at blankly even after the video was finished playing. I sat there for a few seconds then pressed replay. I then played it three more times. The video was a 15 second clip of a black male attending a KKK cross lighting. As he watches the fire burn on a cross he says "I respect the fact that you let me come out here and I also respect the fact that you let me leave".

This video is a promo for a new 8 part series on the CNN network titled, United Shades. It follows man in the promo, comedian W. Kamau Bell, as he explores communities across the country and uses comedy to start conversations about race and how our differences unite and divide us. In the premiere episode which aired on Sunday April 24th, Bell meets the supposed "new" Klu Klux Klan (side eye).

I have many emotions running through me as I reflect on the first episode of this new series. The most apparent is anger. The KKK no matter what it supposedly stands for now, stood for complete and utter hatred for the non-white race. This organization has brewed a concentration of evil and has left brutalized bodies, rape, murder, lynching, hanging, bombing, skinning, beheading and torture in it's wake. But yet the United States allows this group and what they have represented to freely practice? And now news leader CNN is promoting this culture of hate to the world to get us to try to understand them better?

And for a black man being open to understanding this representation as well?  The "new" KKK that according to this series believes Jews are a dirty race and interracial marriage is an abomination higher than murder (I can't make this up if I tried).

What is your take on this matter? Sound off. I would like to hear your opinion. Need more of a visual? Check out a 30 second snip-it below.

The other day in having a casual conversation with a friend I was asked why I usually click "Like" on my own photos and my posts. I answered, "Why not, I'm the first one to see the pic and think of the post. I should be the first to like it as well". She responded "Someone is full of herself". I laughed at her comment though I know truth can come out in a joking atmosphere.

This got me thinking, how many others actually practice self acknowledgement? In observation, I've noticed, most times people wait for validation before they begin to form excitement in something they have accomplished or are involved in. For example, I remember as a child whenever my birthday would roll around I would rely on others to make it special. If something was not planned for me or if I did not receive any gifts, my day would be an automatic ruin. This pattern continued into my adolescent years and even to early adulthood. It was not until self evaluation that I questioned this pattern and took steps to change it.

Now in today's digitally driven society, people measure value with the amount of likes received. It's gotten to the point that companies will choose spokes-models based on how many "Likes" their photos receive and do not research their qualifications as much anymore. We have become suckered into this system to the point that it affects our psych on subliminal levels. I've actually witnessed someone post a photo then take it down 1 hour later. When I asked her why, she said it wasn't "like worthy". Like worthy?

My take, you don't need anyone to validate your worth, beauty, importance or value. It's called SELF-Esteem last time I checked. You should be your number 1 cheerleader and motivator and who cares about how many people are with you with those "Likes". Now I'm NOT saying to be arrogant and scream to the skies "I DON'T NEED YOUR VALIDATION!" every time you receive a compliment. Be appreciative when someone does take the time to acknowledge you in a positive form. Just do not let that be what drives your mood or opinion of yourself.

So with that being said, no I'm not full of myself friend!, I just love the me that God created me to be.

Now go start liking your pics and posts! ONWARD!

P.S. I plan my own birthdays now :-p

Rumors turned into reality. Anti-Slavery Activist Harriet Tubman will be the new face of the $20 bill sometime in the year 2020. So far a burst of positive exclamations have circulated on my timeline in support and celebration of Tubman's new acknowledgement. I haven't yet spoken on my stance as I have been pretty torn by the subject matter. But in thinking about it, I am not impressed and I will tell you why.

America continuously tells us to forget about slavery. "It happened, we know it was bad, but now it's over so you need to move on from it." It's like they don't have the understanding to comprehend the extent of damage and the repercussions slavery has had and still is having on black people today. We as a people have been ripped from our land, forced to be enslaved for hundreds of years in unknown territory, our identity was stripped and we are left not knowing exactly where we came from. Families and tribes forever lost. And that is just the surface! I did not mention the torture, embarrassment, humiliation, and the irreparable damage that has been done. And there's more! But I would be left writing a novel. 

In being "freed", we have started from ground 0 with the past following us in every step forward without any assistance from the people that are the cause and so "sorry" it happened. Instead of putting a face of one of our own on money that a majority of us aren't able to claim in large enough quantities, how about we receive reparations for the atomic damage done.

What are Reparations you ask?

Reparations for slavery is the idea that some form of compensatory payment should be made to the descendants of Africans who had been enslaved by the Atlantic Slave Trade.

Think it's a far fetched idea? Well reparations were definitely made to slave OWNERS.

According to the National Archives and Records Administration, The District of Columbia Emancipation Act paved the way to compensate slave owners for their “loyalty to the Union” and for the loss of income incurred by freeing slaves.

On April 16, 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill ending slavery in the District of Columbia. Passage of this law came 8 1/2 months before President Lincoln issued his Emancipation Proclamation. The act brought to a conclusion decades of agitation aimed at ending what antislavery advocates called “the national shame” of slavery in the nation’s capital. It provided for immediate emancipation, compensation to former owners who were loyal to the Union of up to $300 for each freed slave, voluntary colonization of former slaves to locations outside the United States, and payments of up to $100 for each person choosing emigration. 

Over the next 9 months, the Board of Commissioners appointed to administer the act approved 

930 petitions, completely or in part, from former owners for the freedom of 2,989 former slaves.


Today $300.00 per slave would be equivalent to $8,369.80 per slave. Do that math.

I believe this is just another historical band aid to blind us from the real issue. I am not taking any shine away from Ms. Tubman. She has paved the way for many others after her to fight the good fight towards the equality that we shouldn't have had to fight for in the first place. But honestly, do you really think she would be grateful for this accolade?  

Not impressed

While catching up on all the shows I missed during the week (No time for TV so I stream everything online), I came across a new show that highlights living with a comedian. Appropriately titled "Living With Funny", the show follows the every day life five successful comedians and their significant other. In checking out the first episode I had a few laughs at how these guys supposedly live their day to day. In the introduction of the cast, one of the members "normal" took me by surprise. Comedian Deray Davis. Known for his roles in "Barbershop", "21 Jump Street", "Wild N Out", and most recently his brief appearance on Empire, not only has one but TWO girlfriends that live with him.

Named Coco and Caro, these two women seem to get along quite well and claim they have been with Davis for years. I just watched blank faced as I observed their interaction together. If I didn't know any better I'd think the three of them were just three best friends. They call it a "Three-lationship".

Now y'all already know how I feel about "side chicks" (read my This Is For The Side Chicks post), but these women are well aware of each other and agreeing to participate in relationship dynamic.

My first thought was what is happening in the realm of relationships? Is it getting more difficult to stay faithful in a monogamous relationship? Is the shortage of men especially black men resulting in women having to double team? Are people just freaks and as the world becomes more accepting of everything, people aren't as afraid to boldly expose their sexual fetishes? Is it even about sex? Or maybe people are looking to enter these relationships to build a stronger financial foundation. That explanation would make more sense to me. Since he has what I call "Side by Side Chicks" (because he isn't married to either of them), does he have side chicks in addition? I clearly have an overflow of questions.

What do you think about a Three-lationship? Would you be in one? I'd love to read your thoughts and opinions on this one!

I make 30 look good! Yup I said It!

It finally happened. That moment I was half dreading and half looking forward to. I turned 30. Reaching this milestone of course brings automatic reflection of my life thus far. I thought about my childhood, my upbringing. I thought about the all time highs and the devastating lows up until this point. I thought about my dreams, plans and deadlines I set for myself and if I reached them. In thinking about all this I realize I have so much to do. Taking the time to look back when I was in my 20's, I wish I could have been given some direction by the 30 year old me. But now that I'm here, I'd like to give the present me advice that I believe the me in future would provide. I also extend this advice to you:

You have so many interests and talents but find your passion in the one that drives you and cultivate it:

If you're anything like me you have multiple dreams. Many things career wise that you want to accomplish. Sometimes when you focus on everything at once, they all suffer because you aren't able to master your craft. Pick the talent that gets your gears going and nurture that. Once you're successful in it, you will have the financial freedom to dabble into the others.

Make No Room For "Frenemies".

I know you know what I'm talking about. That one female that doesn't like you but stay trying to keep up with your life. We women tend to speak in code and we pick up on shade quickly. If you sense she's not genuine, cut her off! Trust your instincts. There is no room for negativity. You are filled to capacity with positive things so have that frenemy move out of your way and let you rise!

If you're unhappy about something, stop dwelling and change it!

As women, we are always picking at ourselves. Our looks, our weight, our hair, etc. And we will just sit and complain and get down on ourselves and cry. You know you've been there! Shoot I've definitely been there! You don't like something, get up and begin the change! Whether it's exercising to slim the waist down or lift the butt up! Or researching the best diet for clear skin. Maybe you are not happy about your career or financial status. Meet with a financial planner. Brainstorm on how to get to the next level in your career and execute steps to get there. Your problems are only a solution away! 

Stimulate Your Mind

Just because you've graduated doesn't mean learning ends. The world is full of so much knowledge. Don't wait for a news broadcast to get you hipp to your surroundings. Read books, watch tutorials, participate in discussions, get involved in your community, stay on top of current events. Keep your mind active. Remember once your mind starts slipping, the body will follow.

Travel

Budget in Traveling. Don't limit yourself to your backyard. There is a world to explore. Different cultures to experience. Adventures to be had! As cliche as this may sound, you only have one life to live so live it!

Surrender To Love But Don't Settle

I am a hopeless romantic. But in being that, in the past I was that "we gotta make it work no matter what" girl. The "I may not be happy but we've been together this long" chick. The "What will people think if this doesn't work" lady. The "I gotta keep up appearances to save face" woman. UMMMM This grown woman don't play that game anymore. In being hurt in a relationship we can come off bitter and put up a wall. But I challenge you to be open to love when it comes your way. BUT never settle for anything less than the man of your dreams! Don't ever feel like you're trapped or care what people think if it doesn't work out. Hold your head high and live babygirl! 

Love Yourself!

We hear this all of the time but do we really take heed to the advice? Learning to truly love yourself is a process. I always say it like this, "I love me. Everything about me and all the things that make me, me. And if I feel something about me isn't quite there yet, I'm going to enjoy making the awesome me, even better". The combination of your features, personality and characteristics make you unique. Own the fact that there is no one on this earth like you and you can only get better.

Take Care Of Your Body

In our teens and 20s we got away with the hot cheese chip snacks, the bag of gummie bears and going for seconds at the BBQ. At 30 your body will be begging you to stop the madness. So STOP! If you haven't yet started, create healthier eating habits. Try new foods that are not only good for you but taste amazing. Explore your culinary palette. Once you educate yourself on what those crazy snacks do to your body, you'll never crave them again (most times).

Don't Play The Comparison Game

You know the game. He has this, She has that, They have this, Do I have it too? Girl stop. One of my motto's is "I am the only one running my race and if I spend even one second looking over at someone else's marathon over there, I will trip and bust my ass during mine". Don't compare your life to others. It's a waste of time and a hindrance to your own journey. You'll end up taking longer to get to your finish line instead of enjoying your win sooner.


Those are a few key points I will make sure to execute for the remainder of my life (which prayerfully will be another 1000 years). I hope these tidbits help you throughout your journey as well.

Now go live!