It seems like I've been on a hiatus for a few months. I haven't been in hiding. I've just been focusing on myself. Seeking God for direction and working on my growth in every aspect. Though I am truly grateful for each day God has afforded to me, and the smile on my face is genuine, a part of me was going through a process of hurt. It took me to pay attention to even the most miniscule characteristic to identify and realize that I was still hurting.
In this life trials come. We can't avoid it, we can't hide from it, we can't even escape from our problems. Running from problems just prolongs the process of resolution. My previous preferred method was either running from or masking my issues with things.
One "mask" I used was weave. Long, shiny, beautiful tresses sewed onto my hair in different hues and colors that I clearly was not born with. I was born with a full head of hair. It was medium long, black and shiny. I remember loving the way it looked. Dolling it up with curls, feeling free with waves, getting sporty with ponytails, and sophisticated with up-dos. It wasn't until my third year of college that I was introduced to the weave world.
I found myself comparing my looks to those of other beautiful women. Wanting to look more like what I thought was appealing. Looking to receive acceptance, love and attention I figured if I changed my look, it would help me receive that love I was looking for. So I tried it. My first weave matched the color of my own hair. It was so long down to my hips, full with curls at the end. I seemed to love it and love seemed to look my way. My confidence rose, my happiness elevated, I thought I found the solution... until I was urged to explore more styles. Look different every few weeks.
So I explored. Different styles, cuts, colors, layers. All to feel that acceptance. In the meanwhile the tresses growing from my scalp were suffering. Each time I took out my weave waiting to add new weave, I was more disgusted with my real hair and thought I was quite hideous without it. How did that happen? I used to love my hair. How did I let low self esteem and self hate creep into my life? I did not even recognize it. I did not even know I was suffering from low self esteem.
On the outside I'm a pretty happy, upbeat, positive and social person. I have younger girls who look up to me and aspire to be like me which I find humbling. How was I able to convey so much positivity and carry such hurt unknowingly? It took me to be questioned about my weave and challenged not to wear it for me to realize how much importance I gave it. I made excuse after excuse as to why I needed the faux tresses on my head:
"It protects my real hair"
"It's an expression of my creativity"
"I like to keep things fresh and new"
"My hair could not possibly do all the hairstyles weave could do without falling out"
"My hair isn't the length I want so I'm wearing weave until it gets there"
And after all the excuses I was still challenged to go one day without it. So boldly I did. I convinced myself that it would make no difference with or without the extra locks... Until I looked in the mirror without them. Freshly washed, dried and styled I stared at my hair. My hair that suffered years of neglect. The once medium-long black hair was replaced by shorter stressed strands. I immediately hated what I saw and wanted a new sew in ASAP. With that reaction I realized I relied on artificial add ons for beauty. That feeling did not sit well with me.
I was taught as a child to love myself. That God created perfection when he created me. That's the mindset I always had... or at least I thought I had. This forced me to take a hard look at myself and learn to love myself all over again with the help of God. I got rid of the weave and poured love and care into my hair again. It surely was not easy. I faced my insecurity head on and let my creativity take over. I dabbled into new hairstyles as my hair grew back to life.
Now I'm at a point where I love myself completely. The high self esteem not only shows on the outside, but is also gleaming on the inside.
I've learned that it is impossible to gain something genuine like love from something cosmetic. Self esteem, love, joy, happiness comes from the confidence that God has placed inside of you and they maintain through continuous seeking of His word. No material possession can replace what you lack inward. Taking care of your mind, heart and spirit will in turn reflect on your outward appearance.
In this life trials come. We can't avoid it, we can't hide from it, we can't even escape from our problems. Running from problems just prolongs the process of resolution. My previous preferred method was either running from or masking my issues with things.
One "mask" I used was weave. Long, shiny, beautiful tresses sewed onto my hair in different hues and colors that I clearly was not born with. I was born with a full head of hair. It was medium long, black and shiny. I remember loving the way it looked. Dolling it up with curls, feeling free with waves, getting sporty with ponytails, and sophisticated with up-dos. It wasn't until my third year of college that I was introduced to the weave world.
I found myself comparing my looks to those of other beautiful women. Wanting to look more like what I thought was appealing. Looking to receive acceptance, love and attention I figured if I changed my look, it would help me receive that love I was looking for. So I tried it. My first weave matched the color of my own hair. It was so long down to my hips, full with curls at the end. I seemed to love it and love seemed to look my way. My confidence rose, my happiness elevated, I thought I found the solution... until I was urged to explore more styles. Look different every few weeks.
So I explored. Different styles, cuts, colors, layers. All to feel that acceptance. In the meanwhile the tresses growing from my scalp were suffering. Each time I took out my weave waiting to add new weave, I was more disgusted with my real hair and thought I was quite hideous without it. How did that happen? I used to love my hair. How did I let low self esteem and self hate creep into my life? I did not even recognize it. I did not even know I was suffering from low self esteem.
On the outside I'm a pretty happy, upbeat, positive and social person. I have younger girls who look up to me and aspire to be like me which I find humbling. How was I able to convey so much positivity and carry such hurt unknowingly? It took me to be questioned about my weave and challenged not to wear it for me to realize how much importance I gave it. I made excuse after excuse as to why I needed the faux tresses on my head:
"It protects my real hair"
"It's an expression of my creativity"
"I like to keep things fresh and new"
"My hair could not possibly do all the hairstyles weave could do without falling out"
"My hair isn't the length I want so I'm wearing weave until it gets there"
And after all the excuses I was still challenged to go one day without it. So boldly I did. I convinced myself that it would make no difference with or without the extra locks... Until I looked in the mirror without them. Freshly washed, dried and styled I stared at my hair. My hair that suffered years of neglect. The once medium-long black hair was replaced by shorter stressed strands. I immediately hated what I saw and wanted a new sew in ASAP. With that reaction I realized I relied on artificial add ons for beauty. That feeling did not sit well with me.
I was taught as a child to love myself. That God created perfection when he created me. That's the mindset I always had... or at least I thought I had. This forced me to take a hard look at myself and learn to love myself all over again with the help of God. I got rid of the weave and poured love and care into my hair again. It surely was not easy. I faced my insecurity head on and let my creativity take over. I dabbled into new hairstyles as my hair grew back to life.
Now I'm at a point where I love myself completely. The high self esteem not only shows on the outside, but is also gleaming on the inside.
I've learned that it is impossible to gain something genuine like love from something cosmetic. Self esteem, love, joy, happiness comes from the confidence that God has placed inside of you and they maintain through continuous seeking of His word. No material possession can replace what you lack inward. Taking care of your mind, heart and spirit will in turn reflect on your outward appearance.
Now I'm not bashing the women who do wear weave. There's nothing wrong with makeup, faux hair, jewelry and all the other glitters of beauty add ons. What's wrong is if one relies on these things to feel beautiful & accepted. It is a problem if you see yourself as unappealing without them as I once did. I am grateful to God I was able to break free.
With that I'm happy to say (as cliche as it may sound) that I love me just the way God created me.
It's a great feeling
